Marriage & Divorce - Mark 10:1-16

This weekend is my wedding anniversary. Jo and I have been married for 13 years. And every three years the lectionary gives us a little gift for our anniversary weekend. Mark chapter 10 crops up and we hear Jesus’ words on marriage and divorce.

The lectionary for the day includes Jesus’ teaching on marriage and divorce as well as his teaching on welcoming and caring for children.

The lectionary gives the timid preacher the option of not addressing the tricky topic of divorce – but to do so is to miss something important and vital for our lives following in the way of Jesus.

Whether we are single, married, divorced, or widowed – in this passage we encounter Jesus’ teachings about how we relate to one another with love and a servant heart – so there is plenty to glean – and please don’t’ write this sermon off at the start. I acknowledge there has been much hurt, finger pointing, and pain in regards to teaching on divorce within the church. And so, I hope today to tread gently, honestly, and prayerfully through this topic as we explore it together. Let’s pray as we do.

PRAY

Lockdown has been hard on marriages right across the world.

Covid-19 has meant that many couples and families have been confined to their bubble and to more time with each other. It’s one thing being in a 3-bedroom house – what about a one bedroom apartment?

The stress levels and anxiety are up for everyone in the wake of a pandemic and so it is no surprise that this takes its toll on relationships.

One piece of research from the US found that there was a marked increase in interest in divorce post pandemic – 34% in fact. (slide)

In New Zealand this has been the case. Both anecdotally but also according to qualified marriage counsellors.

One marriage counsellor in New Zealand put it this way:

“In general, it seems that whatever you had before, you now have quite a lot more of,” he says. “If it was a good relationship, and you were able to support each other, enjoy more time together, have that discovery of cooking together, going for walks – there’s almost a new lease of life in the relationship.”

But, if you were in a relationship where one of you was quite ambivalent or there was quite a lot of disconnection – or even worse, open conflict – that feeling that you were stuck together and just couldn’t get away from one another, made it a lot worse.”[1]

In lockdown the person you love the most can very quickly become the person that annoys you the most. And if there were already embers of discontent these are easily fanned into flame by alert levels 3 & 4.

And so, in this context it’s important as Christians that we have a theology of marriage and divorce that can lead to the flourishing of relationships.

In a moment we will turn to Mark and have a look at Jesus’ words on this topic – but first let us consider how we think about divorce culturally.

The stories we tell reveal a lot about us – and one of the primary ways we tell stories today is in films.

So, here are three films on divorce that give us some insight into ways of seeing it today, at least through the lens of hollywood:

EAT PRAY LOVE:

A married woman realizes how unhappy her marriage really is, and that her life needs to go in a different direction. After a painful divorce, she takes off on a round-the-world journey to "find herself".

IT’S COMPLICATED

When attending their son's college graduation, a couple reignite the spark in their relationship...but the complicated fact is they're divorced and he's remarried.

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE

A middle-aged husband's life changes dramatically when his wife asks him for a divorce. He seeks to rediscover his manhood with the help of a newfound friend, Jacob, learning to pick up girls at bars.

Each of these stories is of course manufactured by Hollywood but what they tap into is the individualistic and consumeristic psyche which surrounds many of our relationships.

One sociologist who has spent time studying divorce puts it this way:

“Beginning in the late 1950s, Americans began to change their ideas about the individual's obligations to family and society. Broadly described, this change was away from an ethic of obligation to others and toward an obligation to self. I do not mean that people suddenly abandoned all responsibilities to others, but rather that they became more acutely conscious of their responsibility to attend to their own individual needs and interests. At least as important as the moral obligation to look after others, the new thinking suggested, was the moral obligation to look after oneself.

As a result, the conception of the family's role and place in the society began to change. The family began to lose its separate place and distinctive identity as the realm of duty, service, and sacrifice. Once the domain of the obligated self, the family was increasingly viewed as yet another domain for the expression of the unfettered self.”[2]

So that’s a bit of the background context that we find ourselves in.

But what about the context Jesus was speaking to when he addressed the crowds and Pharisees in Mark chapter 10?

-The Pharisees and the background context

The scene is the region of Judea beyond the Jordan.

This detail points us to a clue in the background of the story. There is a famous prophet we meet early in the gospels who spends time baptizing people in the Jordan – his name is John.

John the Baptist was put in prison and was beheaded all because he publicly criticized the ruler Herod Antipas for divorce and marrying his brother’s wife.

This background is important because we hear in verse 2 that the Pharisees came up to Jesus in order to “test him.” They know that the topic of divorce is a hot political potato because of the situation with Herod and John. The Pharisees are trying to trap Jesus into making a “media statement” that will lead to his execution.

This sets the scene for the whole conversation.

They ask Jesus if it is lawful for a man to divorce his wife?

Jesus puts the question back on them – What did Moses say?

It turns out that Moses allows for divorce.

Jesus then says: “Because of your hard heartedness he wrote this commandment.”

What Jesus does here is interesting – like he does in the Sermon on the Mount Jesus gets to the heart of the law – he reaches to its intention

Whereas the Pharisees were looking for concessions – “When can we divorce”, Jesus says “that’s not the point.”

The law was meant to limit, not give licence.

Jesus refers to Old Testament law on divorce that is found in Deuteronomy 24. In this law, divorce was up to the discretion of the husband.

Deuteronomy 24:1 – “Suppose a man enters into marriage with a woman, but she does not please him because he finds something objectionable about her, and so he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house.”

Jewish custom meant that only a man could divorce his wife, not the other way around.

Now, there were two Rabbis that were teaching around the time of Jesus called Hillel and Shammai. Both of these Rabbis were extremely influential and attracted a number of followers. Both Hillel and Shammai held various interpretations of the Jewish Scriptures.

In terms of the passage on divorce in Deuteronomy 24 Shammai and Hillel interpreted this differently. Shammai had what could be called a more conservative view in which a man could only divorce his wife if she committed adultery.

Whereas Hillel held a looser interpretation in which a man could divorce his wife for multiple reasons, such as burning the cooking. Many of the Pharisee’s in Jesus day held to the interpretation of Hillel. The Jewish historian Josephus made the glib remark: “At this time I divorced my wife, not liking her behaviour.”[3]

Jesus challenges the liberal Hillel school with his comments, both to the crowds and especially in private to the disciples when he says plainly “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

Jesus’ words are blunt and to the point.

It’s important to consider the context as we read these. In the Jewish context Jesus is speaking too, there was a great imbalance of power and potential for men to divorce their wives liberally according to the school of Hillel, leaving them vulnerable and greatly disadvantaged in the process.

Not only this, but Jesus doesn’t want to interpret the law of Moses in such a way which makes the option of divorce the preference.

Again the law is meant to limit, not give licence.

In Matthew’s gospel Jesus gives an exception clause on the count of infidelity, but here in Mark his words a bracingly simple. 

It must be said, that sadly these words of Jesus’ can and have been used as a weapon within Christian community to keep people in abusive or deeply harmful marriages. The stick together no matter what principle surely must be tested in the face of absolutely destructive relationships.

Please hear me say that Jesus’ words should never be used to justify abuse.  In context, Jesus’ words challenge the abusive and dismissive ways that husbands may have treated their wives within his context.

What I am saying – is that in our context and in Jesus’ context his teachings are a challenge to liberal views of divorce which make it a first option rather than a last resort.

What strikes me the most about Jesus’ teachings here  in Mark is the way in which he frames the whole issue by drawing upon a positive definition of marriage according to Scripture.

Jesus quotes from Genesis, the opening chapters of the Bible and seeks to define marriage as God intended it in the beginning.

He says: “From the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ 7 ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”    

This piece of Scripture has made its way into our Christian marriage ceremonies as a central piece because it holds up Jesus’ teaching of what marriage is.

It is something God ordained at the beginning of creation. It is between a male and female, and the two shall become one flesh, joined together and united.

It’s a beautiful vision of marriage as something God has created for the blessing and flourishing of humanity.

Sadly, when we debate about sexuality as Christians, we often go to the “do not do this” texts – and ignore this Genesis image. When looking for a definition of marriage from Jesus – here is a clear picture.

When Jesus gets drawn into a gritty political debate about divorce, his focus is on the dignity and importance of marriage.[4]

Marriage, while beautiful, isn’t easy. Sometimes culturally we swing between two poles – one which idealizes marriage in over-sentimental and romantic ways, and another which rejects it as an unattainable reality, or something bound to fail.

This is where the next section of today’s lectionary reading fits in with the conversation.

Jesus in Mark 10:13-16 welcomes the little children and us to receive the kingdom of God like little children.

Children in Jesus’ time were seen as lowly and at the bottom of the societal strata.

And so, the invitation is to a posture of humility and servanthood.
Applying this to our relationships – especially marriage, can, I think, have transformative effects.

And so, I want to finish with some practical thoughts for marriage – and actually for relationships in general as we navigate the tricky territory of interpersonal interactions.

Practical thoughts on closing:

1 - MARRIAGE WITH GOD AT THE CENTRE

C.S. Lewis said: “When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.”

He knew that if we put too much pressure on our partner to do what only God can do we will be thoroughly disappointed.

As well as this, God will give us energy to love in a way that is beyond our natural capacity.

Again, C.S. Lewis says:

“Love as distinct from ‘being in love’ is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other, as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself.”

2 - DON’T EXPECT TOO MUCH!

J C Ryle, the Anglican Bishop of Liverpool wryly said:

“Marriage is after all, the union of two sinners, and not of two angels.”

Psychotherapist, Esther Perel says:

“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?” (Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.)

Lowering our expectations can be a massive help in increasing our happiness in marriage, and in plenty of relationships.

3 - COMMIT TO GROWTH TOGETHER:

People change and from a Christian perspective we hope for change to become more Christlike….This should be a given for us, and we should expect our partner to change as we expect to change and grow.

4 – Have SERVANT HEARTS:

Tim & Kathy Keller make this point in their book “The Meaning of Marriage”

What does a servant heart look like?

1)   A lack of self-defensiveness

     2) Being able to give criticism

      healthily

     3) Forgive and be able to let

      it go fully.

We also have a great opportunity coming up:

MATT & BELINDA STOTT MARRIAGE SEMINAR

As we hear Jesus’ words about marriage and divorce – in all of this, let us remember we love and serve a God who knows we are not perfect, who knows that we are broken, and who reaches us to heal and restore us through his amazing grace.

This is a big topic we have covered today and if you want to talk more about it, please do get in touch.

I hope and pray that we hear Jesus’ words as he calls us to fidelity and faithfulness in our relationships. May his radical vision of marriage guide us and lead us so that in our relating to one another God’s love shines through. Amen.

[1] https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/love-sex/300278903/the-divorce-pandemic-the-stresses-of-lockdown-has-had-devastating-effect-on-marriages

[2] Barbara Defoe Whitehead, The Divorce Culture.

[3] R T France, The Gospel of Mark: A Commentary on the Greek Text.

[4] J C Ryle, The Crossway Classic Commentaries: Mark, Expository Thoughts on the Gospels, edited by Alister McGrath and J I Packer.